CryptoVag (GPT-3rotica)

December 17, 20214 min read

Co-written by Andrew, me, and GPT-3.

Ali is a model who recently pivoted into web3. You’re in her DMs. I’m ⁠— well never mind about me, she just replied to you, anon! You lucky dog.

if you send me an eth, i’ll send feet pics 😊

You send eth. You send a 😘 too.

Ali replies, omg ty!!! 😍, and a mouthwatering foot.

You’re aware that most crypto women are only using you for free crypto, and that most crypto women aren’t women at all. But this time, with Ali, something is different. This time, with Ali, there is more. Something new and exciting bubbles.

“What do you do?” asks Ali.

Ali is so hot and you don’t want to blow it. But you’re sure you have something special with her, and that she’ll love you for you. “I’m a software engineer,” you say.

She asks you to send more eth.

You’re happy to; Ali probably needs the money more than you, anyway. Besides, she seems genuine. She wants to get to know you. After a few more hours of eth-sending and genuine chatter, Ali asks, “what’s the most embarrassing thing that you’ve ever done?”

You don’t know what to say. What will she think of you if you tell her?

You decide to be honest. “One time…” you hesitate. You’ve never shared this with anyone. “One time I turned off all the lights in my room. I started watching the All-In Podcast from my laptop, and then I got an idea… I grabbed my iPhone and put on Village Global. Then I grabbed my two iPads and put on Tim Ferriss and The Joe Rogan Show. I blindfolded myself and jacked off surrounded by my heroes…”

As you hit send, you squirm in your bed. Wow, this is going so well. You quickly tap out another text.

“Honestly, just telling you about it now has me a little worked up 😳”

“that IS #Hot 🔥 !” Ali replies.

You’ve got a smile on your face now. Take it a step further.

“It made me decide to quit my job a year ago to join DAOs full time,” you confide.

You smile as you wait for her response.

Ali is messaging again, so fast. “really? that’s sick. by the way, are you into NFTs?”

You ARE into NFTs. You tell her so.

“omg I have an idea for an NFT project. can you help me?”

“Of course,” you say. “I have a lot of friends in crypto.” You knew all that time sending “gm” was worth it.

“ok, let me explain it!! it’s a collection of artistic genitalia based on my pussy, called CryptoVags. it’s a critique on the conventional role of vaginas in western culture. i believe vaginas should transcend their original reproductive purpose and take on entirely new, diverse meanings ⁠— each CryptoVag can live a life of its own. what do you think?”

You think it sounds amazing. And you wouldn’t mind owning a few yourself.

You smirk and can’t stop yourself from tapping out a message.

“wen token?”

”😂 haha. so, can you help me?”

“Sure, I’m happy to help but…” you stop typing. You can’t believe this is happening. ”… well, what do they look like? Your vaginas, that is.”

“that’s the thing…nobody knows what they look like until after they’ve been minted. not even me.”

The disappointment is palpable. Soo close! Alas… but hang on, she’s still typing.

“…do you want to claim one? 🥺”

“Oh yes. I do. Very much so.”

The smile on your face right now is so wide that your cheeks hurt.

“okay, so here’s the deal. you send me 2 eth, and i’ll mint one of my vaginas for you. it’ll appear in your wallet as an ERC-20 token.”

You send her the 2 eth. You want to see what you get.

You’re so excited that you message her again. “I’m so excited for my CryptoVags to be minted! Thank you so much for doing this with me Ali! ❤️”

Ali replies, “lol yeah, my pleasure 😉”

A few days pass. You think about Ali’s CryptoVags a lot more than you should. You think about them as you eat breakfast, when you’re in the shower, when you’re trying to fall asleep at night, and even when you’re at work.

Your friends in discord say you’ve been scammed, that you’re losing touch with reality because you’ve been down bad for over a year. But you don’t lose hope. You know Ali cares about you.

Finally, Ali sends you a message, “hey.”

You reply, “Hey 😊 how’s it going?”

And then you see it. Your jaw drops.

Your very own Vag. You’ve never seen anything so beautiful.